I'm new to all of this so please bear with me, I've always wanted to write a book, but to be honest my life is no worse or better than anyone else, I'm no one special but I love writing, to the point I doodle all the time, a poem, a brief thought or a deep and meaningful entry into a make shift diary. This for me is the next stage in what I enjoy.
I am currently going through a somewhat difficult time, I am suffering from depression, I'm on anti-depressants which should be helping and I thought they were for a few weeks but without the much needed counselling my doctor says it will be a while before I recover, so its a journey I have to endure. Depression is a strange thing, no one knows why certain people are more susceptible to it than others or what triggers it. To be honest I truly believe we all suffer from depression but we all deal with it in different ways, for me, I am my own worst enemy, if I am bothered by something I keep it to myself and store it up, for a while I am able to forget about it as if I have stashed it away in a jar, then it stocks up along with all the other issues I have been harbouring in that ‘jar’ which eventually start to overflow, until the jar cracks and all the issues come out all at once in a huge explosion, that’s when I suffer along with anyone close to me. I don’t know why I do it, I really don’t know where I learnt it from, it could just be my own genetic make up, until I actually go to a counsellor that is yet to be realised. I've suffered before many years ago and had no idea once I was better that it would come back and bite me in the arse once again with a vengeance to the point I felt no point in living. It's a very frustrating situation to be in, you go through several phases, hurt, self loathing, pity, anger to name but a few and I must say without my daughter and my man by my side I would have ended it all without batting an eyelid.
Which brings me back here, I’ve decided to try and write my own form of self help, not just to try and figure out why I have yet again fallen but to learn about myself and try to find the person I once was or the person I am meant to be. I’ve decided to stop blaming everyone, a lot has happened to me in my short lifetime, things I have had trouble dealing with, certain situations I never thought I would find myself in, and it has been a shock to the system, I guess that’s the consequence of living a somewhat sheltered life, I’d always like to think that I’m streetwise, knowledgeable and strong but sometimes situations occur that make me doubt. I haven’t gone through half as much turmoil as some people and they are able to brush it off and keep going, those people I admire, I look up to and that’s the kind of person I want to be.
I am learning more about myself everyday, I have been on one hell of a journey so far, a childhood with as many bumps and curves as a rollercoaster, a ride you wouldn’t expect an only child in what is deemed a privileged upbringing to endure, my teenage years were just as eventful, and because I was wrapped up in cotton wool and pretty much controlled throughout my life I decided to rebel, which had its consequences but I think looking back its not such a bad lesson to learn. My adulthood kind of blended in from my teenage years as I met Steve when I was only 16, and at 18 I was a mother, I had to grow up pretty quickly, after I woke up and smelt the coffee I realised it wasn't ok to be in an abusive relationship regardless of having a child or not I was staying for all the wrong reasons and I somehow managed to find my inner strength and I finally left Steve for good, but I had completely forgotten how to live, how to have fun, I wasn't me anymore. Not something you would imagine a 19 year old to say, most 19 year olds were fresh out of college, working 9 to 5 jobs and partying at the weekend, I was in rags, depressed, tired, changing nappies and trying hard to make sense of the life I now had and where I was supposed to go from there. Having a child was a decision I made very carefully, but having to be a Mum and a Dad to my daughter was a daunting concept I was scared and doubted I could even look after myself. Thanks to my parents who took me back in I started to get myself back on my feet. For me, what I thought was going to be a new beginning just made things worse, the hostility between my ex and me began to take shape like a scene from the fim 'The war of the Roses'...(you know the one with Micheal Douglas and Kathleen Turner), I had months of threats, dodgy phone calls, solicitors letters saying he was going to take me to court etc, then he changed his mind several times, I wanted to get on my life I couldn't deal with it any more so I bit the bullet and attempted to take him to court, call his bluff if you like....he soon backed down and had the nerve to say he doubted paternity, so, he is no longer in our lives, he is continuing his existance in London and my beautiful daughter who is now 12 and doing just fine without him, as the saying goes you never miss what you never had....any man can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father, and I have found one!
I won't bore you with details but I will along the line I may refer back to life flash backs.
Thank you for reading, I hope I haven't bored you too much until next time
TTFN xx (ta ta for now)
